I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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