WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
This is not my ceiling
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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