I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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