i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize