New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
