yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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