i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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