Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
