Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
