It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
