We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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