I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
