smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
