I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize