If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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