god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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