Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
