I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I intend to get homeless drunk
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
