in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
