A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize
