omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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