I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
