Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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