god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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