Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize