a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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