You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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