I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Holy sore nipples Batman
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
