Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
