I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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