You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
