____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
