seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
