i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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