This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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