Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
