Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize