We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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