We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
