so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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