Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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