I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
