dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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