Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
