So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
