I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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