And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
