Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
