my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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