Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
