Have you finally orgasmed yet?
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
