I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
