Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
