I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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