I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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