Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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