Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
