Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just had sex on a roof
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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