i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
