I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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