I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
that may or may not have been my penis.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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