I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
