yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
