i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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