i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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